But I know. [She] had a great emptiness inside her, like a desert at the edge of the earth. You could try watering it all you wanted, but everything would be sucked down to the bottom of the world, leaving no trace of moisture. No life could take root there. Not even birds would fly over it. What had created such a wasteland inside [her], only she herself knew. No, maybe not even [she] knew the true cause […] As if to build a fence around the fatal emptiness inside her, she had to create the sunny person that she became. But if you peeled away the ornamental egos that she had built, there was only an abyss of nothingness and the intense thirst that came with it. Though she tried to forget it, the nothingness would visit her periodically—on a lonely rainy afternoon, or at dawn when she woke from a nightmare. What she needed at such times was to be held by someone, anyone.
Πρέπει, οπωσδήποτε, ν’ αλλάξω ζωή,
αλλιώς είμαι χαμένος.
Βέβαια, έχω καιρό μπροστά μου, είμαι ακόμα νέος.
Αν μπορούσα να ξεφύγω αυτή την άθλια καθημερινότητα,
υποχρεώσεις και συνήθειες και συμβιβασμοί,
αν σταθώ λιγότερο εύκολος στις διάφορες προφάσεις-
αν βάλω πια ένα τέλος σε τούτες τις αιώνιες αναβολές.
Τότε, αλήθεια, ίσως φτιάξω κάτι,
ίσως μάλιστα και κάτι το μεγάλο
όπως ονειρευόμουν από παιδί…”
Έτσι έγραφε κάποιος ένα βράδυ με χέρια που τρέμανε.
Κι έκλαιγε. Ύστερα νύσταξε κι αποκοιμήθηκε.
Το πρωί, μόλις θυμόταν κάτι αόριστα.
Και σε μερικά χρόνια πέθανε.
I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love.
There is a secret bond between slowness and memory, between speed and forgetting. Consider this utterly commonplace situation: a man is walking down the street. At a certain moment, he tries to recall something, but the recollection escapes him. Automatically he slows down. Meanwhile, a person who wants to forget a disagreeable
incident he has just lived through starts unconsciously to speed up his pace, as if he were trying to distance himself from a thing still too close to him in time.
In existential mathematics, that experience takes the form of two basic equations: the degree of slowness is directly proportion to the intensity of memory; the degree of speed is directly proportional to the intensity of forgetting.
Milan Kundera, from Slowness (HarperCollins, 1996)